Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Play

Heard the one about the Irishman, the Welshman and the Italy Lady?

The office of the set. A magnolia wall, with two framed pictures hanging above an aspidistra. The left side picture is a famous portrait of the philosopher, hanging next to, but not at the same level as a reproduction of the famous painting by the artist. Both picture frames are dusty and hanging slightly askew. A door frame shape, slightly smaller than usual, cuts into the left edge of the wall. There is no left edge to the door, It is a non space, used as a door. Underneath the pictures and aside the aspidistra is a small bare desk. Standing aside the desk is 003. He is dressed in ripped jeans and a red checked shirt. His hair is unkempt. He stands at profile to the audience.

003 (not without impatience, looking towards the fictional door in the wall) - Could you send an update on your plans to submit for the publication?

a pause as long as is required

(a voice from behind the wall) - I have begun writing the article though it is slightly outside your brief. will complete and send as a speculative venture.

003 (eager, but sceptical) -Fabulous... Thanks!

Enter the professional linguist through the door shape -(with overt emphasis) I have been working with about 1200 words. I shall draft this evening and send you a copy. Although it is not relevant to your publication, I do still expect commission. Thanks (a flourish, exit)

003 (cautious) - Great. Thanks

a pause, then another voice over the wall
(loud and fast, almost inaudible) - Sorry, thought it was an open call so to speak and I missed the deadline. I admit to being a bit lost as to the gist, but no matter....? I had an idea for a bit, would you like me to elaborate or not?

003 (tiring of such pleasantries?) - Thanks!
A piece of A4 paper is floated over the wall, 003 reads in best announcing voice
"Sorry it's taken me a while to get back to you... I would like to write a short piece... however... I will be able to do something after the 13th if that is not too late?"

Locating an A4 piece of paper on the desk, 003 is heard to scribble

- Not too late... just keep in touch.
003 folds the paper up and drops it over the wall

Enter the Editor. He is perhaps oversmartly dressed but rakish nonetheless. He holds two manilla folders tied up with ribbon. He lays the folders on the desk before speaking
-Some provisional words in the form of a review of the exhibition. Apologies for the direct 'cut and paste job, but it was written with a duck feather no less. I hope it is sinister enough for publication. Really...
The Editor remains, with his back turned, observing the two pictures on the wall

003 (after a pause) - Cool

Enter a character of some description- I also wanted to ask you about the project. I was planning on doing something but now where can I see the work of the part time librarian? Now that other people have handed in what they want to write about, do you think there's a possibility to write about anything?

003 (curious) - I would be interested in your thoughts.
character exits. Enter the bookman he is wearing a long scarf and glasses. He is carrying an overwhelming stack of wide-spined books . His carrying of them seems impossible to imagine. He stands with the books in his hands, next to the table. He does not rest the books on the table before he speaks

(proudly) I have sent a copy of my work to the editor for approval. I also spoke to the editor regarding 'Meta-reviews' although we have not taken this any further as yet.
The editor, who is aware of the presence of the bookman, has turned around and removed the top copy from the pile that the bookman is carrying and begins to read to himself.
Exit bookman, enter the professional linguist

(not without ceremony)
Here it is!, (he places a scrap of paper on the desk, finger marks are visable) about 2,000 words I think, so let me know your thoughts... (keeps speaking as to not encourage discussion) We need to talk about payment, what method do you use for writing commissions? And when can expect to receive it?
Exit the professional linguist, skipping
003 (tentatively, to the editor who is still reading) Can you look at this?

After a time. A stone with a sheet of paper bound around it is thrown over the wall a loud noise is made by the stone.

(After a difficult pause, a nervous voice from behind the wall) - Not sure if this is at all what you're looking for, but here it is. I'd appreciate it if you could let me know what you think about it. Thanks and sorry for the delay in sending it. Could I have my stone back when you have finished with it..?

The editor puts down the book, on the table, using the scrap of paper as a bookmark and retrieves the stone from the floor. He puts it on the table and 003 unwraps the stone. He begins to read the piece of paper before leaving the set through the door with the stone.
The editor remains on stage, reading softly to himself. After the time it takes to return a stone Enter 003, who has noticed the arrival of a folded piece of paper in the doorway. He reads

"
I'm really sorry but the time has just vanished since I've been really overrun with work and had no time for writing. I imagine the deadline is well past by now."

003 (to the editor) - You want to contact and probe whether he could still find time to do something for this?

Enter Anya Raben
-I may be a tad late here. The Editor suggested I write a review in German about a piece and I thought this a good idea. Basically, I'd be up for it. Anyway could you let me know further details and if this is a one off or whether you are planning the next one...

Exit Anya Raben, excitedly and quickly

003 (to the editor) - You got here number? I don't appear to have received anything yet?

Enter 002, a beautiful woman wearing red lipstick, carrying a large cooking pot.

(accent) I am going to the show tonight so I will duly write a piece. You will soon receive a draft too. In the meantime, we could try publishing one edition of the publication.

003 - The editor and I discussed this already. We could purchase a set number of hard-copies for the launch date. (to the audience, if there are any left) God, there is so much time in the world. we seem to have far too much time to do this. I could handle a deadline next week instead of in over a month's time. I guess one has to accept this ridiculous abundance.
(breaks into song):
I'll get my writing and editing and design act together in next few days.
Reminding myself about the principles of design,
typography, colour theory, composition etc. currently.

The editor goes to the other folder on the desk undoes the ribbon with his teeth
(accent) - Herein rests the almighty provisional document. Please (do not) be alarmed at the apparent smoothness of the design layout. I cannot shake free of my graphix training easily. Nothing is as they say 'set in stone'. Especially as the document is yet to include a piece from italy, an editorial, and perhaps an endgame piece. The almighty provisional document arrives entirely unedited. The text appears just as the writers intended. Before we get lost in the issues surrounding our task as editors, I thought it best to lay the map out entirely flat on the ground, to best view our territory.

003 (still partially melodic) - This looks gre-at! (to 002) Can you please answer the question regarding funding and engage more energetically with the project. I politely ask, not rudely (To the audience?) ...Let's do it comrades!(To the Editor) Can you confirm you received this? (he holds up the scrap of paper and the paper from around the stone)

The editor (taking both pieces of paper from 003) - Dear number 3, number 1 wishes to confirm receipt of 2 texts

003 (aware) - 3? Feck that! We should include this with a response or two...
(As if Lear has taken over the real stage he begins to read the article written by Will Hutton in a national newspaper recently, which begins...)
"With the Bank of England declaring that the Western banking system is in its most acute crisis since 1914... (as much of Will Hutton that is possible)

(Having tired of his digression)
003 (To audience, fanfare) Right now the publication is being printed as planned on this significant date. The writing is something. A pleasure to read I for one, and excuse the patronising tone, feel proud to be associated with you all. Watch this space.
(He Points at the desk. 002 and the Editor stare at the desk until they end the piece by walking off. Last to leave the stage, 003 straightens both pictures before leaving)


ENDS

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